Who Is the Narcissist? The One Who Looks Perfect or the One Who Breaks Down?
- Aug 19
- 3 min read
“Kaun hai, kaun hai narcissist? Mark jaha hai, narcissist woh nahi hai!” This line from Andaz Apna Apna makes us laugh, but in real life, the confusion runs deep. Who really is the narcissist? The one who stayed or the one who left? Mark jaha hai, narcissist woh nahi hai! because victim is the one who carries the guilt and punishment of the narcissist doing, while he walk spotless, changing the narration of their story.
The one who looks smart, successful, charming, perfect — almost godlike? or The one who looked chaotic, troubled, rude — crazy loud one? The victim is left with the mark - mark of betrayal, rejection, degradation, isolation, confusion, depression, projection — they are the one carrying the baggage of the narcissistic mishap as their own. The one who is suffering would rarely know, they come in therapy with symptoms, self blame and confusion.
When a relationship breaks, the one who stays looks like the savior — taking care of responsibilities. The one who leaves is judged as careless, selfish, even cruel. Society quickly assumes: the one who left must be wrong.
But narcissistic abuse changes the story. Sometimes, the one who stayed has stayed to control the narrative, to say “I sacrificed everything. I’m the good one.” The one who left may have walked away after years of gaslighting, silent treatments, humiliation, and exhaustion. Leaving, then, is not neglect — it is survival.
Staying or leaving is not the proof of love or selfishness. The real test is this: was there space for both people to feel seen, valued, and respected? Or was one person’s role only to serve while the other thrived on control and image?
Here lies the paradox: a narcissist doesn’t walk into the room with symptoms. They walk in with charm, logic, charisma, and proof. They look flawless. They will win arguments, they will justify, they will manipulate reality so convincingly that you begin to question your own sanity.
So, how do you figure out who the narcissist is? You don’t look at them. You look at the people around them.
Narcissism Shows Up in Survivors, Not in the Narcissist
Narcissistic abuse is unique because its symptoms are not always seen in the abuser. They are seen in the survivor. A victim living with a narcissist may experience:
Splitting: an inability to take decisions because reality keeps shifting under them.
Validation loops: constantly seeking approval, not because they’re weak, but because they’ve been gaslighted into doubting their every thought.
Obsessive loops: repeating the same story, the same problem again and again, because resolution never comes — only confusion does.
We often tell people: “Don’t seek validation. Be independent. Believe in yourself."
But what if the constant need for validation is not weakness, but a survival response to years of manipulation?
Who Is the Narcissist Then?
The narcissist is not the one showing cracks, breakdowns, or confusion. Those are the survivors. The narcissist is the one who looks put together, who has airtight logic, who never bends, who wins arguments, and who thrives while the other crumbles.
This is why identifying narcissism is so difficult. Society sees the charming one and believes them. Meanwhile, the survivor is dismissed as “too sensitive, too dramatic, too unstable.”
The Silent Diagnosis
Narcissistic abuse is perhaps the only disorder where the “symptoms” show up in someone else. You see the survivor’s anxiety, indecision, obsession, or depression, and you assume it is their flaw. But often, it is a mirror of the abuse they’ve been enduring.
So, the question is not:
Who stayed?
Who left?
Who looks perfect?
The question is: Who is thriving at the cost of someone else’s sanity?
Ready to See the Truth Beyond Appearances?
If you find yourself lost in this confusion — doubting your reality, seeking clarity, or struggling with the silent wounds of narcissistic abuse — you don’t have to walk alone.
At SEVEE, we offer a safe space for the survivors to heal, rebuild, and find their voice again.
Book your online sessions at www.sevee.care or WhatsApp us at +91 9712777330.
For offline appointments with Parita in Ahmedabad, write to connect@sevee.care.
Because your story matters. And it deserves to be heard.
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